Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining in New York. That can't be too hard. A best friend will help you move a body. A: A palm tree. Now, I'll be honest. Groaning is the best medicine. Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet? It is the most effective way CEO Elon Musk and company could — in the short term — fortify their balance sheet and position Tesla to execute its long-term vision. I jumped on the subway and started heading towards Brooklyn at one o’clock in the morning. ", “I do all the exercises every morning in front of the television - up, down, up, down, up, down. The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in. Reportedly, Trump wanted to meet with Putin alone because he didn't want his advisers to see him naked, which is natural. '""You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that … I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.”, "Trains in Britain can be late for all sorts of reasons: speed restrictions, livestock on the track, or a totally substandard rail infrastructure that's publicly funded, privately run and answerable to no one. Get your own pen, this is mine! You’ll find out fast with these corny jokes for adults and corny puns. I’d never in my life had something that somebody else would want. The farmer called the vet, who prescribed a pill to stimulate the bull’s interest. - Ronnie Corbett"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I." '”, "Women want to come. No, I don't want to feel the one good thing we're allowed as humans. A: Because they're always stuffed. Sourced from Reddit, Twitter, and beyond! Err.’” “Why should that mean they aren’t like us?” his colleague replied. What girl is like, 'Oh no, it's cool. A man came in to give his application to the manager. A 1985 issue of Sports Illustrated, dated April … So good night. Aloha. ""'Confidence is half the battle,' they say. What was the anthem of Saudi Arabia's first LGBT pride parade? Q: Yes–and what's on the end of it? "On Friday he had tea with the Queen – and on Friday, it seemed like a big deal that he walked in front of the Queen, which is apparently a no-no, a royal faux pas. 'My people came to me, Dan Coats and some others. Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? I was in my patrol car by a blinking red light—the equivalent of a stop sign—when I watched an elderly man drive straight through without even slowing down. – Rhod Gilbert“My husband’s penis is like a semicolon. Q: What do you call a T-Rex that's been beaten up? Ed: The same bike tries to run me down every day. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.” Paul McCaffrey"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. Q: How come nobody liked the dead lawyer? I quickly... Q: How long does it take to know if a pair of underwear fits you well? Guffaw at Tommy Cooper's classics. It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble." I thought: 'Fair enough, that makes sense.' One was carrying a load of red paint, the other a load of blue paint. '""I wrote a suicide note once and it said: 'I'm not mad at anybody, this is just something I wanted to do for myself. Q: Which side of a duck has the most feathers? Orthopedic shoes? So I sent them a letter back. '”"I do love our excuses [for eating dessert]. Q: What kind of tree has a hand? I quit my job at the helium factory today. Under pressure from the LGBT community the Canadian government is taking the Iconic polar bear off the 2 dollar coin and replacing it with 2 male deer mating. A: He gave you the cold shoulder. It could be an expensive laptop computer or it could be the end of their life. '""Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Left-handed people do not like that the word 'left' is so often associated with negative things: Two left feet, left-handed compliments, 'What are we having for dinner?' '""I'm not willing to say how I feel about anything. A: An arm and a leg. It was bread in captivity. A: Wasabi! They said they think it’s Russia. Turning it over and over in her hand, she said, “You know, I always thought they were made of copper.” —Linda Neukrug. You gotta when you hit them. You can see the strangest things if you look hard enough. Just you. I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other.' Snort at Dave Chappelle’s smartest routine. “What are these pennies doing in my soup?” the restaurant patron demanded, motioning for the waiter to come over to his table. Because it's going straight to your ass. '""I had glasses at 10, braces at 12. They may as well have a sign saying, ‘Random accidents ahead’; ‘Life’s a lottery, be lucky.’”"Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Is anyone going, 'Bingo, you got me, I didn't see that question coming. Q: Why should you save your pennies? Which is what gave me the courage to do it. “I sure did.” “How did you get it to stop?” “I removed... Q: Knock Knock A: Who's there? I just wish, as Africans, we'd thought of that when the British arrived. They ask you so many questions. - Victoria Wood"A government survey reveals the prime minister is doing the work of two men. Q: Why were the people trying to get the dead man to change his mind? I said, 'Just a minute, he's only got one claw.' - Billy Connolly"Specialisation means that everyone becomes better and better at less and less and eventually someone will be superb at f***-all." All the passengers were marooned. He tentatively approaches the deceased’s wife and asks whether he can say a word. The best part is if no one laughs at your golf pun, you can call a mulligan and try the next one on the list! A: Frostbite! The guy who was in front of me,... Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining in New York. The man clears... Did you hear about the young actor who fell through the floorboards? All sorts of reasons. I call that a good day. Apparently I owe them $800. “Why did you drive through the red light?” 
I asked him. I replied. 'Where’d they go?' Q: Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. 'Sorry, the guns have jammed and we've lost all our armour, but we still have positive body language; that ought to see us through some desert combat. ""The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. This joke may contain profanity. While all the Jews are saying, 'Have you eaten yet? He said, 'It should be; it's been dead two weeks.' Ginger was resplendent in a ball gown and pearls, and Fred also sported evening wear. Death is No.2. They charged one and let the other one off. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” – Sara Pascoe“I have downloaded this new app. Thanks for watching. But the manager asked, “Why is there a four-year gap in your application?” And the man responded, “Yale.” The... A set of golf clubs walks into a bar. We trained for decades and you just waltzed in and won the gold medal.”On flying in to the UK: Q: What kind of jokes are told on a farm? I’m thinking about talking to a girl for the very first time in my life. I've been ill.'""I had a meal last night. Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds. In need of a quick comedic pick-me-up? '", On race inequality in the US: The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more. An elderly farmer had an old bull that lost its usual desire and no longer went near the cows. The doctor looked closely, and said, “I think I’ve got some cream for that.”. These illustrated stories became popular by the mid-20th century in the USA, Western Europe, and Japan. You're not supposed to do any of those things. It was embarrassing. The farmer called the vet, who prescribed a pill to stimulate... Have you heard about the new pirate movie? The manager hired him and the guy said, "Thanks. Looking for more laughs? I am over 18. It's rated AARRRRGH because of all the booty! A: They both got 6 months. And gird your sides for a rip-roaring hysterical hit list.Assembled without recourse to taste or decency from the grandest old masters and hippest young gag slingers, here's our guide to the best jokes in the world. I can't smell it, can't eat it, can't taste it. ", “If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.”"People who like trance music are very persistent. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? Bad Jokes That You Can’t Help but Laugh At, Funny Photos That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud, Cheesy Pick-Up Lines Guaranteed to Get a Laugh, The Absolute Best Funny Movies of All Time, Weird Facts You Never Knew About Laughter, Work Cartoons to Help You Get Through the Week, Clever Wedding Jokes Perfect for Any Speech, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), Do Not Sell My Personal Information – CA Residents. Could be a Chinese Wispa.” – Rob Auton“I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson.” – Eric Lampaert“There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.” – Nish Kumar“Trump’s nothing like Hitler.
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